Partner Intimacy
"Will my partner still want me? Will my partner still love me? Will I ever meet a partner now that I have cancer?" People with cancer commonly ask these questions. Most often the answer is yes. But in any relationship, communication is the most important factor. Whether you are married, in a dating relationship, or single, fears and insecurities exist. In addition, partners often have their own fears and feelings of lowered self-esteem. This can be especially true if you become so involved in getting well, that you neglect your partner.
You are likely to be angry about your diagnosis and the interruption it causes in your life. Sometimes anger is aimed at the health care team. But it’s also possible that you and/or your partner will feel safe in taking your anger out on each other. But whatever happens, anger pulls couples apart, not together. If you have cancer, both you and your partner will feel vulnerable and insecure. With cancer, you are facing an uncertain future. You both need each other more than ever.
Feelings of fear, anger, and helplessness can cause miscommunication or changes in behaviors. Recognizing this early on is part of keeping a healthy relationship. Your partner may feel guilty for wanting “attention”, or sex, when you are dealing with side effects from cancer. These are all normal reactions and behaviors and feelings should be shared with each other.
There may be times when your partner is also the caregiver and needs to take a break by going out with friends. This is a healthy response but may cause conflict if there is poor communication between you. Your partner may feel guilty for wanting to spend a few hours away from you. You may feel unloved or angry because you cannot “get away” from your cancer. You may also be glad your partner is taking time to do other things. You may feel like taking a nap so you both can share some intimacy later in the day. Talking about the cancer, the future, and your relationship is a healthy way to stay close.
Your journey with cancer is personal and very unique to you. While many women may have similar responses to the same treatment, nothing will be more important than your own experience and response. It is important for you and the health care staff to become a team in the planned care and to recognize and manage side effects early. Management of side effects will allow effective treatment to be given without interruption or delay. And it will strengthen the potential for maintaining your quality of life while you are on treatment.
Intimacy and sexuality are an important part of quality of life, even though it’s often not the most comfortable topic to address. However, talking about physical and emotional changes related to intimacy and sexuality with your health care team should begin before, treatment. And it should continue during and after cancer treatment. Talking honestly with your partner will help him or her know your feelings, needs, and concerns. Involving your partner in discussions with your doctor may help reduce anxiety and fear for both of you. Talking to counselors, other women going through similar experiences, or joining a support group can help reassure you that you are not alone. It will let you see there are others in your situation who may have helpful advice. A strong relationship between you, your health care team, and your partner is the best way to manage side effects of treatment and to achieve desirable outcomes. This will ease your cancer journey.